Phantom limb

i am 10 sitting on the carpeted floor 

fiddling a loose string while i 

calculated the burdened economy of childhood 

i am 14 years old in a soccer field 

hair like burnt grass, twilight a glimmer on the 

twisted goal post with wrists warm as blood

i am 15 in the kitchen with an

overturned bottle of pills spilled on the

counter, decision heavy as a cadaver 

i am 22 on the top floor of a

concrete institution, throat tight as i

peer over the railing’s edge

i am 23 in a movie theater 

shivering in an empty evening showing,

silent as asphalt on the drive home 

i am 30 speeding down a highway

steering nowhere while my insides careen;

gravel corners sharpened by a car crash

 i am 32 safe in my bed 

the memory of it all an ache in my body 

while i forget to sleep